My Uncle Toby
By
R. Earle Harris
All rights reserved (c) 2015 (r dot earle dot harris at gmx dot com)
FADE IN:
EXT. THE HALLS-DAY
Late eighteenth-century England.
These are three country homes rather close together. On one side of the road is
Shandy Hall, Walter Shandy's home. On the other side of the road, side by side,
are Toby Shandy's home and the home of the widow Wadman. The rood and a half of
ground upon which Toby builds his models of besieged cities lies between his house
and the widow's. A white sentry box, overlooking this handiwork, is next to the
widow's hedge-gate. Toby's house is empty, the sentry box badly weathered, and the
weatherworn but still detailed remains of fortified Dunkirk are on the ground.
Tristram Shandy is showing someone the remains of the model. Tristram is dressed
eccentrically in yellow Persian slippers, purple, ballooning trousers, and a white
shirt. Upon his head is a red fez with rich gold embroidery. We do not see his face.
And we will not see his face until the end of the movie. In this scene, this is
accomplished simply-either we see the face of his lady friend, or the object they
are talking about, or the back of Tristram's head as he turns to point something
out. As the film progresses, the audience will earnestly desire to see his face.
And its artful concealment should contribute to the comedy by becoming more and
more Byzantine.
I should also add that this play was conceived as a vehicle for one actor to play
the parts of Tristram, Trim, and Diego, the long-nosed stranger. And so we begin-
EXT. TOBY'S ROOD OF GROUND - DAY
Here is where Uncle Toby once built his models of the sieges. At first the model
of Dunkirk fills the screen, appearing as a ruined city. TRISTRAM SHANDY is showing
the model to his friend JENNY.
JENNY (O.S.)
This is incredible, Tristram.
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The camera pulls back, putting the model in its proper scale.
TRISTRAM SHANDY
My uncle Toby was very proud of this
one. It was the last of many.
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JENNY
TRISTRAM SHANDY
JENNY
The last destroyed in King William's
war?
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TRISTRAM SHANDY
Yes. It was here the war was fought
in miniature. Everything happened
here, or hereabouts. It was here the
widow Wadman ambushed my uncle. She
still lives just over there. It was
here Susannah fled after the incident
with the sash window.
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JENNY
(Laughing.)
And the accident with the forceps?
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TRISTRAM SHANDY
JENNY
Then you were born here, weren't you?
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TRISTRAM SHANDY
Not right on Dunkirk, no. Although
Trim's firstborn was conceived upon
that shattered bridge. I was born
over there behind that third window
on the second floor...
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He indicates Shandy Hall.
TRISTRAM SHANDY
... while my father and Uncle Toby
and Dr. Slop were talking downstairs
about my mother's modesty.
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JENNY
TRISTRAM SHANDY
Everything, Madam, that had to do
with my birth was so extraordinarily
ill-starred that every bit of it has
come down to my ears, even to how
I was conceived.
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JENNY
That is easily known. But how can
you know what those men were talking
about?
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TRISTRAM SHANDY
Madam, you underestimate the catastrophe
of my birth. I will even tell you
exactly what they were saying.
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BLACKNESS:
Title Over:
ACT I.
INT. PARLOR-NIGHT
The failing light of early evening in the downstairs parlor of Shandy Hall. The
Shandys are plump, comfortable people. Walter and Toby are looking up at the ceiling,
pipes in hand. Mrs. Shandy is upstairs with Susannah, one of the servants, making
loud labor pain noises. These noises must be sufficient yet never be such as to
upset the audience.
I wish clearly to establish that Uncle Toby-Toby Shandy-is truly a shy, modest,
honorable, warm-hearted, good man. I make this explicit before we meet him, as any
other interpretation of his character would undermine the play. Toby still suffers
a bit from a wound near the groin (more-much more-of which later) and always has
a crutch.
WALTER SHANDY
(As the noise subsides.)
What can they be doing up there, brother?
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Toby takes his pipe from his mouth and knocks the ashes out.
TOBY SHANDY
I think it would not be amiss, brother,
if we rung the bell. Walter pulls
a nearby bell-rope and his servant
Obadiah enters.
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WALTER SHANDY
Pray, what is all that racket over
our heads, Obadiah? My brother and
I can scarcely hear ourselves speak.
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Obadiah bows.
OBADIAH
Sir, my mistress is taken very badly.
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Walter gestures out the window where Susannah can be seen running.
WALTER SHANDY
And where's Susannah running down
the garden there, as if they were
going to ravish her?
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OBADIAH
Sir, she is running the shortest cut
into town to fetch the old midwife.
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WALTER SHANDY
Then saddle a horse and do you go
directly for Dr. Slop, with all our
services, and let him know your mistress
is fallen into labour-and that I desire
he will return with you with all speed.
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Exit Obadiah.
WALTER SHANDY
It is very strange, as there is so
expert an operator as Dr. Slop so
near, that my wife should persist
to the very last in this obstinate
humour of hers, in trusting the life
of my child, who has had one misfortune
already, to the ignorance of an old
woman. And not only the life of my
child, brother, but her own life,
and with it the lives of all the children
I might, peradventure, have begot
out of her hereafter.
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TOBY SHANDY
What misfortune can your unborn child
upstairs have already had?
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WALTER SHANDY
The circumstance of his conception!
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TOBY SHANDY
(Embarrassed.)
TOBY SHANDY
(Pause.)
Mayhap, brother, your wife does it
to save expense.
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WALTER SHANDY
A pudding's end! The doctor must be
paid the same for inaction as action,
if not better, to keep him in temper.
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TOBY SHANDY
Then it can be out of nothing in the
whole world but Modesty. Your wife,
I dare say, does not care to let a
man come so near her-
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Walter simultaneously snaps his pipe-stem and finishes Toby's sentence.
WALTER SHANDY
EXT. SHANDY HALL-NIGHT
Again with Tristram and Jenny in the dark, empty old Shandy home.
JENNY (O.S.)
(Stumbling over something.)
What did your uncle mean?
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EXT. SHANDY HALL-NIGHT
Back with Obadiah. The action in this scene follows Tristram's description below
up to the instant of Obadiah's making the turn at the angle of the garden wall.
TRISTRAM SHANDY (V.O.)
My uncle's modesty, Madam, will require
explanation. But first let me interest
you a moment in what was taking place
outside. Imagine to yourself a little
squat, uncourtly figure of a Doctor
Slop, of about four feet and a half
perpendicular height, with a breadth
of back, and a sesquipedality of belly,
which might have done honour to a
serjeant in the horseguards.
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Such were the outlines of Dr. Slop's
figure, which-if you have read Hogarth's
analysis of beauty-and if you have
not, I wish you would. Imagine such
a one, coming slowly along, foot by
foot, waddling through the mud upon
a horse so puny and pathetic as to
scarce bear such a fardel upon its
back.
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TRISTRAM SHANDY (V.O.)(CONT'D)
Imagine to yourself Obadiah mounted
upon a strong monster of a coach-horse,
pricked into a full gallop, making
all practicable speed in the opposite
direction. Had Dr. Slop beheld Obadiah
a mile off, posting in a narrow lane
directly toward him, at that monstrous
rate-splashing and plunging like a
devil through thick and thin, would
not such a phenomenon, with such a
vortex of mud and water, have been
a subject of just apprehension to
Dr. Slop?
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What then do you think must the terror and hydrophobia of Dr. Slop have been when
as he came to within sixty yards of Shandy Hall, and within only five yards of a
sudden turn made by an acute angle of the garden wall, and in the muddiest part
of a muddy lane, when Obadiah and his coach-horse turned the corner-pop!-full upon
him!
We leave Obadiah and the Doctor just before their collision.
INT. TOWN HOUSE-DAY
Walter Shandy's earlier house in London. He is leading Deacon Yorick up stairs and
down halls to Toby's upper room.
TRISTRAM SHANDY (V.O.)
But you asked what my uncle meant.
My uncle Toby Shandy, Madam, was a
gentleman. And whether his modesty
was natural or acquired, 'twas nevertheless
modesty in the truest sense. And it
arose to such a height in him as almost
to equal the modesty of a woman. That
female nicety, Madam, and inward cleanliness
of mind and fancy, in your sex, which
makes you so much the awe of ours.
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JENNY (V.O.)
Indeed. And I suppose he acquired
this female modesty from having spent
so much time with the ladies. In Flanders,
perhaps, amid the wars?
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TRISTRAM SHANDY (V.O.)
I wish I could say so. But except
for his sister-in-law, my mother,
my uncle Toby scarce exchanged three
words with the gentler sex in as many
years. No, he got it, Madam, by a
blow. A blow! It was owing to a blow
from a stone, broke off by a ball
from a parapet of a horn-work at the
siege of Namur, which struck full
upon my uncle Toby's groin!
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INT. TOWN HOUSE-DAY
Toby's room. Toby is bedridden due to his wound. His servant TRIM, an ex-soldier,
stands (militarily) at ease in the background. Trim limps from a knee wound that
never healed. Dr. Slop, the family physician, is in attendance.
Walter and Yorick enter.
YORICK
Dr. Slop! How surprising to see you
here.
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DR. SLOP
Yes. Captain Shandy has fired his
fancy town doctor and now relies upon
someone sensible.
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YORICK
And Toby-you are looking well. How
is he, Doctor?
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Toby is modest, cheerful, and obviously in some pain.
DR. SLOP
(Cheerfully.)
He has an exfoliation of the os pubis,
and the outward edge of that part
of the coxendix we call the os illium,
both of which bones are dismally crushed,
as much by the irregularity of the
stone that struck him as by its size.
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All smile in puzzlement.
DR. SLOP
(Beaming happily now.)
Indeed, the great injury it did to
the Captain's groin was more owing
to the gravity of the stone itself,
than to the projectile force of it.
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All, including Toby, are contagiously beaming happily at this news.
INT. TOWN HOUSE-DAY
Slop has gone. Walter and Yorick have pulled chairs up to the bed.
YORICK
And so you are better, Toby?
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Toby smiles as best he can.
WALTER SHANDY
Brother-I believe you have not told
our friend the story of how you received
your wound?
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YORICK
(Humoring Toby.)
Yes, do tell me. I am sure the history
of it will beguile its pain.
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Toby sits up and is obviously eager to tell the story.
TOBY SHANDY
YORICK
By the end of the next paragraph, Yorick's eyes glaze over.
TOBY SHANDY
It was at Namur. One of the most memorable
attacks in that siege was that made
by us and the Dutch upon the point
of the advanced counterscarp, between
the sluice or water-stop, where we
were terribly exposed to the shot
of the counter-guard and demibastion
of St. Roch, the issue of which hot
dispute, in three words, was this:
That the Dutch lodged themselves upon
the counter-guard and we made ourselves
the masters of the covered way before
St. Nicholas gate, notwithstanding
the gallantry of the French officers,
who exposed themselves upon the glacis,
sword in hand.
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INT. TOWN HOUSE-DAY
Walter and Yorick almost doze as Toby finishes.
TOBY SHANDY
(Happily.)
And that is how I came by my wound!
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Yorick and Walter start as if awakened.
INT. TOWN HOUSE-DAY
Walter and Yorick can be heard descending the stairs.
TOBY SHANDY
TRIM
TOBY SHANDY
I don't believe the deacon could follow
my explanation.
Screenplay truncated at 500 lines.
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